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Remus Lupin
If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight…
Herman Merville: “Call me Bella.” A tome about the length of the original series investigates Bella’s monomanical search for the vampire who stole her virginity. There’s an entire chapter devoted to describing the devastating whiteness of Edward’s skin, and several on the physiognomy of vampires, starting with their skeletal structure outward.
Virginia Woolf: The novel takes place over the course of twenty four hours, during which Bella is painting a portrait of Edward and reflecting on how her femininity circumscribes her role within 20th century society.
Jane Austen: Basically the same as the original, except that Bella is socially apt and incredibly witty. Her distrust of Edward is initially bourne out of a tragic misunderstanding of his character, but after a fling with Jacob during which he sexually assaults her (amusing to no one in this version) she and Edward live happily ever after.
Ernest Hemingway: Edward and Bella exchange terse dialogue alluding to Edward’s anatomical problem. Eventually, Bella leaves him for Jacob, a local bullfighter with a giant…sense of entitlement.
Ayn Rand: Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.
HP Lovecraft: Edward cannot reconcile his own horror at becoming a vampire. He rapes and kills Bella but attributes it to the desires of an ancient Deity outside our power to understand. Everyone thinks it’s ok because he calls his devil by a cutesy name.
Haruki Murakami: Bella has sex with Edward, who is half a ghost. Jacob is a talking cat. Most of the prose is given over to descriptions of Bella making pasta.
Douglas Adams: Bella is the last of a discontinued series of robots made to emulate the now extinct human race. She whines gears and randomly pouts moronic gibberish while falling over. She is accompanied on her travels across the cosmos by Edward, a sparkly giant space banana and Jacob, a small wooden box of doom.
Dan Brown: Bella is a famous scientist who specializes in folklore. She is contacted by Edward, an old and well respected friend who is an expert in history, indicating that someone has been murdered in Forks. When there he is greeted by Jacob who acts as her guide to the new town. They have an intimate relation as they track the mysterious “cold ones”. With Edward's help they are led on a wild goose chase only to realize that he was responsible for the murder in the first place.
Chuck Palahniuk: Bella, who is never explicitly named, carries on relationships with both Jacob and Edward who are actually both alter-egos of the guy who almost hit her with his car in the first book. The entire book is written in diary format from the point of view of her spleen.
J.K Rowling: Jacob, Edward and Bella are best friend throughout their schooling years while hormones flair and they defeat evil forces. Bella continuously rages and scolds against Edward for being emotionally inaccessible while Jacob awkwardly tags along as the third wheel even though he’s the main character.
Terry Pratchett: Bella is a troll from the mountains who falls in love with Edward, a charming, handsome assassin. They have various adventures in a parallel universe until Jacob, who is Edward in the future, disrupts everything by being heir to the throne. Bella nearly dies but is saved by Edward/Jacob + a comical, mythical ingredient. Instead of 4 books there are 103.
Neil Gaiman: The story begins with a song. Then the song creates the world. Then major, minor and demi-gods appear. A hero’s journey in hell occurs, with Edward starring as the brooding, pissed off vampire who can’t drink blood because of a spell and must go to hell to break the spell. A duel of philosophical/existential dimensions ensue. Somebody gets swallowed up in a vagina. Edward saves the world by singing.
Stieg Larsson: A tale of political conspiracy that reads like a cross between The X Files and Sucker Punch.

ghoustly:

close enough haha

kiirishima:

GUESS WHOS BACK

queen-of-dork:

i-am-a-cat-eins-zwei-drei:

debisanacronym1:

WHY ARE NONE OF YOU FUCKERS FLIPPING SHIT?!?

NASA HAS DECLARED PLUTO A PLANET AGAIN

IT HAS MOONS!!!!! IT HAS MOONS!!!!!!!

WHAT. WHAT! PLUTO YOU FUCKING DID IT!

ghosturie:

patrick-stumps:

ottermatopoeia:

mattniskanenseyebrows:

OCTOBER IS NEXT WEEK

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OCTOBER IS THIS WEEK
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OCTOBER IS TOMORROW

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I͔̟̠̻̽̋̌͋͌́̆T̶̠̖̙͙͈̐͂S̽ͥͣ̄̄̚͝ ͖̞̈́͗̄̿͐O̠̪̙͊ͯ͒͐͐̐̐Cͭ̃͛́T̍ͣ́ͮͩŎ̈́҉Ḅ̞ͦ̾̄͗̓͛͘E̸̥̩̦̝̲̊̉͋̅̋̒̿R̲̝͔̪̬͎̯̎̋

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all-hail-bill-nye:

totally-stab-caesar:

jennytrout:

jennytrout:

magdalenarivera:

#Wall decals about bible verses will class up any kitchen #You should come to my Thirty-One party

I can’t stop. There are too many:

#I’m the best mom on this field trip and everyone knows it #Have you read Eat, Pray, Love? #Let’s get lattes after Zumba! #Gluten causes Autism #I will have him pulled out of your class #Oh shoot, I forgot I volunteered to bring brownies to faith group tonight #We don’t let him watch more than one hour of TV a day #Stick figure family window sticker #(whispers behind hand) you’ve got to read 50 Shades of Grey

Forgive me. I am a mother, and I walk among these women every day. I have adopted their ways as a form of camouflage.

dying

ITS BACK AND IT GOT BETTER

fireshinigami:

Happy 1st of October!

graysongraves:

exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear:

erikloser:

stop taking bucky’s metal arm away

stop taking charles’ wheelchair away

stop taking clint’s hearing aids away

disabled superheroes are important stop sucking please

I read this wrong and I was just picturing them all confused as to who keeps taking their stuff.

"Steve have you seen my arm anywhere?"

"Nope, sorry Bucky.  By the way, have you seen Clint’s hearing aids?  He hasn’t been able to hear a damn thing all day"

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ckunt:

come-closer-vasilisa:

siddharthasmama:

whoismims:

Hong Kong’s protesters are using the same “hands up, don’t shoot” gesture used in Ferguson

tears in my eyes; solidarity arising from such horrible situations is bittersweet.

Well goddamn 😢

oh shit guys 

millennialau:

Rev Sekou kneeled between protesters and police and prayed, then was thrown into a police vehicle with blood smears all inside of it.

the-fandoms-are-cool:

sistercrow:

lokanemandi:

stormcloak:

Clifford the big red dog by *sandara

OH MY GOD

Can we have a Clifford live action movie?  Not a kids movie either. 

Like, Emily Elizabeth’s parents are working for a government agency developing a super soldier serum.  None of their testing is working and they start testing the serum on larger mammals in hopes of seeing better results.  They inject a variety of animals, including a dog.  Nothing.  They are desperate and on the verge of having their project shut down when they notice one of the test dogs is pregnant.  It gives birth and they bring one of the puppies home for their daughter.

To their shock, the puppy they brought home starts to grow at an incredible rate, its fur mutating into a brilliant red as it does so.  They are ecstatic because their research has finally seen a result, albeit one they weren’t expecting.  There is only one problem.

Clifford has become attached to Emily and refuses to leave her side.  Emily, too, has fallen in love with her new pet.  They decide to let their project be canceled rather than try to separate the two.  Unfortunately, the government discovers their secret and begins a campaign to retrieve Clifford at any costs.  During the initial conflict, Emily Elizabeth’s parents are killed trying to help her and Clifford escape.  Emily and her dog flee into the wild.  This sets the opening of the movie.

Over the course of the movie, Emily and Clifford are on the run and we see Emily grow into a young woman, everything about her honed into a survivalist expert.  She and Clifford roam the backwoods, constantly in fear of being captured.  On one of her rare trips into town one day, Emily witnesses a bank robbery in progress involving multiple hostages.  She calls Clifford and the two of them save the lives of the hostages but wreck the bank in the process.  The local news capture footage of Clifford and it isn’t long before the military arrives in town.

Emily wants to just run away again, but she sees that the military is destroying the town, driving people out of their homes and destroying property in their search.  She decides that enough is enough and rides Clifford back into town and fights the military.  Amidst the fighting a huge truck arrives.  A general (who was her parent’s superior officer) gets out and smirks.  He tells Emily Elizabeth that Clifford’s mother wasn’t the only animal that gave birth to a litter of babies after receiving an injection.  The back of the truck unfolds to reveal a massive tabby cat.  The cat strains against its bindings and tears free, immediately leaping onto a nearby group of soldiers and devouring them.  Emily is horrified and orders Clifford to attack.

What follows is the dramatic battle between Clifford and the mutant cat.  Clifford has strength, but the cat is too fast and agile.  It looks like Clifford is down for the count, when the townsfolk, recognizing that Clifford is on their side, come to his aid.  They distract the cat long enough for him to finish the beast off for good. 

The military retreats, the general swearing vengeance on the two of them, and Emily and Clifford ride off into the night once more.  But the legend of the big red dog has already started.  And Emily Elizabeth knows that the day will come when she and Clifford will need to ride into battle against the forces of evil once more.

The credits roll.

Post credits, the screen fades to black for a moment.  The sound of waves crashing on shore fills the air.  The screen flashes brilliant white.  The light of the lighthouse moves on, revealing a rocky shore on a rainy day.  The camera pans down to find Clifford and Emily gazing out to sea.  A massive object hangs in the air off the coast, obscured in the clouds.  A smaller object rapidly approaches them.  It resolves itself into an advanced helicopter that silently lands just down the shore from them.  Clifford lets out a low growl but Emily quiets him with a hand on his leg.  A lone figure emerges from the aircraft, huddling his arms around himself to fight off the cold.

He approaches the two.  His hair is short and somewhat curly.  He wears glasses and a grey flannel shirt and seems unlikely to pose a threat to the two.

“Emily Elizabeth,” he says over the sound of the crashing surf, “I worked with your parents.  It’s taken us a while to find you, after the Birdwell Island incident.

“And who exactly is ‘us’,” she responds, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

Ignoring her question, the man continues.  “Me and Clifford have a lot in common, actually.”  He smiles a little awkwardly, then presses on.  “I was hoping you might be interested in meeting my boss.  He’s fairly excited to talk with you.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.  Who are you and who do you work for?”

The man smiles.  “My name is Banner.  And I’m hear to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.”

how long did you even spend writing this for that fucking twist ending because my friend you are one devoted fan

weallheartonedirection:

When my grandma died I found this in her room, I laughed so hard and I made me much more happy

korrakun:

my favorite college experience is when i had a 7am class and the kid next to me literally poured a monster energy drink into his coffee said “i’m going to die” and drank the whole thing

My army of minions #theydontlikeme #canthandlerejection

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